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[17 Sep 2004|01:08pm] |
'repair' is my third journal. every time i deleted a journal for a new one was because i had grown out of that space, i just didn't fit that frame of my life anymore. 'repair' became a literal term for me, and i spent this last year or two working out a lot of personal issues, being on my own and finding out who i was when i was on my own, growing and changing and finding myself (?) a little better. and things really did change. at the end of april everything moved, especially in the last two/three months and i have grown into something so different than i was just six months ago. i haven't talked about any of it in here, and the fact that i can't just talk in this journal is something that is going to change. this space is not me anymore. this journal is done.
i'll be back soon enough, i'll find you.
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[13 Aug 2004|09:32pm] |
i've been busy:
1. having small and large revolutions
2. having the best summer to date
3. scratching things off the "haven't done" list
4. making __________.
there's too much to write about right now, so many things are moving changing beginning so so so fast. i'll be back at the end of august!
love,
julie
ps. i'm still reading!
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[09 Jul 2004|09:57pm] |
there were two sets of pictures i really wanted to use for this entry, but i chose this one because i don't often post images of myself. here i am at work and trying so hard to make a pretty wreath of flowers for my head but they keep on breaking. it's funny how my life is more exciting now than it's been in years but now i never talk about it. maybe because i'm too busy with it to talk.
i'm with a boy who calls me his 'sweet thing' and likes kissing me more than anyone else. or at least that's what he tells me. he's not really a b.s. kind of guy, so i mostly believe all the sweetness. i'm going to make this entry friends only on sunday because that's when he gets home from craven and i wouldn't want him to know that i say nice things about him. like how he doesn't want me to tell anyone that he bought me this pretty necklace because no one is allowed to know that he's actually a nice person. he's supposed to be a big, cold jerk.
our relationship is very cool, we're one step ahead of other couples because we know when it's going to be over so we don't waste our time bickering and fighting over stupid things, just spending good quality time together. it's all about checks and balances, really. i'm going back to school in the fall where i will then cut off all ties, so i'm not allowed to get too attached. however, i really do like him and we have a lot of fun so i'm going forget about being paranoid and insecure and let it all go until then.
this summer is a whole new series of 'firsts'.
( oh and also.. )
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[29 Jun 2004|12:19pm] |
i moved again. another basement with more orange carpet and wood panels, but a lot more space and less people. i think it'll do. because i grew up in a terribly dull house, i've become obsessed with interiors that have colors and prints and textures, no matter how outdated they are! so this house being one of those, i took a whack of pictures.
this last ______ is probably the longest i've gone without checking my email or journal or anything, i'm not gone i swear! it's just that things were a little weird at the last place and i wasn't allowed on the computer and the phone and the shower during like any time. at this house i have access to high speed internet and satellite tv and and and! but that all doesn't really matter because i had an excellent week. i'm having so much fun! i went on a nice date (?) and then puked all over his truck a few nights later in a drunken mess. friends only! good times good times! actually they really have been good times, i'm really happy and i know i seem to say that a lot, but sometimes feeling happy feels foreign and strange and i need to mention it. all day i think about worst case scenarios so i can be pleasantly suprised when things don't turn out terrrible and so far it's been working fantastic!
</center>
( < )
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[13 Jun 2004|01:38am] |
( fawn! )
ok, how cute is he?! his mommy got hit by a car so my friend's family took him in. he sleeps in the porch and gets attacked by the cat and likes to cleanse with pantene pro-v; and seriously, his hair is so silky.
i started drinking again after four years of not, holding out just stopped making sense to me. everything i previously believed in stopped making sense to me. last summer i was good, but this summer i'm happy.
saskatchewan is treating me well this time, maybe it's just me. work is so good right now, in the mornings i drink hot water and read essays from a neglected college textbook. last day it was machiavelli and lao-tzu, monday might be simone de beauvoir and francis crick. in the afternoons my boss comes to visit; we share travel stories and rant about stupid people and he tells me stories he's told me twice before. i don't mind, really, he talks to me more than my own father, probably cares more too.
and i only have 56k, which is why i'm not really around. i'd rather withdrawl from the internet than suffer through a phone line modem. (spoiled.) get this - in order for the farms around my town to have cable internet access, the next town down the road wouldn't be able to have any telelphone lines at all! coming home is like going back in time three years. actually it really is like going to back in time, i'm picking up all my old relationships where they were circa november grade ten - when everything was still fun and not messy.
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[02 Jun 2004|11:43pm] |
i've lived in three houses in the past month. now i'm with my mom and brother in a tiny basement decked out in glowing orange carpet and wood panel walls and fake flowers. it's so terrible that's it's actually fantastic. i feel like astrid from white oleander, stepping lightly, practicing survival. i'm scared one of us will ruin something and then we'll be out with no where to go.
i couldn't sleep last night so i wandered around this black black basement, not entirely sure if my eyes were open or shut, testing my memory of the floor plan on the backs on my eyelids. wood panel bureau, giant owl statue, slanted floor, curtain posing as door. you can see a piece of it in the picture above. that's my little brother in the bottom corner playing nintendo.
and because i only have ten days of paid account left, i'm going to do another poll.
Poll #302756
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: None, participants: 25
if you are bored, it is because you are boring. in my last poll i asked about believing in fate, fortune or other. if you chose 'other', feel free to tell me what it is, i'm so curious! tell me something exciting you're going to do this summer
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[16 May 2004|01:33am] |
Poll #294046 curiosity
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 99which do you think is more accurate for successful long-term relationships? which do you believe in?
( chatter )
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[02 May 2004|01:28am] |
i had a paragraph or two written about the past month and how it was so dramatic and stressful and how i didn't want to talk about it. delete and repeat. today was important though. as hard as i tried i couldn't give it an adequate description. it was just unreal.
we visited my mom's high school best friend at her farm, and i guess they're in a sort of financial crisis. there was death everywhere. there were carcasses and bones and animal parts lying around the yard. i made a round with my camera and felt so sick and so uncomfortable. they had thrown a whole cow carcass into the dog pen for them to feed on. so sick so so sick. she was in the process of breaking up with her common law boyfriend and the place was a mess. more mess than i have ever seen in my life. she cooked us a meal, mostly of animals they had raised, eggs and vegetables from the garden. i choked down a piece of buffalo and all i could think about was the truck load of buffalo heads that were left out in the sun to rot; apparently it's easiest to get to the horns that way. everything was so overwhelming. which turned into strangely calming. i couldn't live that life, but i could live there in impermanence, perhaps if i was on the run or something of the like. her butcher son didn't scare me this time, and he showed my little brother and i around and gave us the running comentary and he was so proud and it was kind of cute. he's really nice, i don't know why he tries to look so mean and scary in public.
anyways it really impacted me. i've been there so many times, but this time was different. it was a huge reality check. we sat around dinner with my mom's other friend who has being going through so many terrible things, and listening to the both of them together was so heavy. i hated hearing them talk because i know the world is cruel but i don't want to hear about it. i don't want to hear about all the hurt and anguish and real problems. it makes me furious and so frustrated because there's not a thing i can do about it. sometimes i'm purposefully naive because it's easier to block out the hardness than to have to think about it and feel it and sometimes so much hopelessness is too much.
and romantic. not in boy girl love heart romance, romance as in the opposite of epic. wounds and hurt and feeling and so much emotion. where there's no hero, just wounded protagonists. so romantic. and on the ride home i thought about how much i wanted to live in their messy house and decaying yard and fight with them. it was this strange primitive human struggle and it was so appealing to me. really weird.
edit: i don't know about anyone else but the pictures are being testy for me. if you reload a few times or 'show picture' they should work!
( ... )
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| art post! |
[15 Apr 2004|11:49am] |
instead of having escorts for our highschool grad we had marching partners (it was a private christian boarding school), maybe it was supposed to be more wholesome or something, i don't know. anyways, part of having marching partners was taking 'marching partner pictures' to display on the big screen as part of a presentation during the ceremonies. i ended up taking the pictures for my old roommate and her m.p. and at the time we would all hassle them about dating but they never did.
skip a few years and a few boyfriends ahead and they finally did hook up (aww) and her birthday is coming up and he called me up last week to ask me if i could do a drawing of one of the pictures i took as a present for her (awwwww cuteee) and that's just the explanation behind this piece. i had 4 days to do it. the pose etc. is a little generic and cheesy, but whatever, i was 17 when i took it, i have no excuse.
(detail)
( (full) )
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[05 Apr 2004|12:59pm] |
restless and needing out. now.
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[25 Mar 2004|04:06pm] |
( sleep )
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| losing a whole year |
[04 Mar 2004|04:41pm] |
Poll #258043
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 145sometimes we should settle for second best. silence is weakness.
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| love to love |
[25 Feb 2004|04:15pm] |
1 | i really liked the finale for 'my big fat obnoxious fiance'! shannon and i were all teary-eyed and if i would have been alone i probably would have bawled. the crying brothers were soooo cute! awwwh.
2 | the ratio of crushes-on-teachers/professors to crushes-on-kids-my-age is getting unusually high. most likely to have an affair with a prof? that would be me! come to think of it, i've always had a thing for those older knowledgable mentor male types; previous bosses consume a big part of that sector as well. (!!! )
3 | i suck at maintaining relationships during the school months. except with my ibook. let me tell you, that relationship is definitely thriving! infinite love!
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[05 Feb 2004|01:51am] |
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[24 Jan 2004|03:27pm] |
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I am Julie, hear me rawr.
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[18 Jan 2004|11:58am] |
i posted these during the summer, but i "redid" them and i like them better this way. it's a tribute to grenfell because we found out this week that my dad got transferred and our house has sold for february first so we'll be out of there shortly. i like moving and finding a new house and laying on the bare floor of your new room. there's something so still about an absolutely empty house. i used to hope that the previous owners would leave a keepsake behind, tucked under a secret corner of the carpet or behind a ceiling tile. maybe i should become the previous resident who leaves behind a treasure.
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repair's journal
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